literature

whose gift?

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ystilWolf's avatar
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Literature Text

Two little girls were there with their mother. All three looking at the pile of things covering that spot. That place was the last place they had seen him. That, was where he was last seen before he left. It was also the place where they had seen the truck for the first time. That's right, the boy had seen the truck, and then left. The truck had decided to stay longer. That's right, the boy was gone. He left after the truck said "hi".
The girls were looking at something, what? That's right, gifts. Gifts for the boy. But why? "Hey mom, why are his gifts out here? You said the boy left, but why? And if the gifts stay out here, they'll get wet when it rains. They should be inside, for when he comes back. It'll be a pretty surprise!"
The girls smiled and looked at their mother.
"Mom, why do you look so sad? What's that mom? Flowers? Why? Why are you leaving them out with the rest of the gifts? Hey mom, don't cry mom. If it's for the flowers, we're sure he'll love them. Don't worry. Hey mom, please don't cry. Don't cry mom, please… We know! Why don't we come over to visit when he's back? Then he can tell you how much he liked your flowers! Right mom?"
That's right, the boy had left, and he couldn't come back. Not anymore. But he still appreciated the flowers. They were pretty…
myeh, mushy work from me.

There's a true story behind it.
A boy was actually killed by a truck on the side of a road and a mother and her daughters were by the site. Saw them on the way home. so yeah.
my text doesn't truly depict the sadness felt though.(sorry, not much of a writer~)

*sighs*

And, for those of you who don't get it, the kid's dead.
© 2011 - 2024 ystilWolf
Comments37
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JessamineDiane's avatar
:star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Firstly, please don;t be cross or mad at me for this review but you wanted critique and when I review people's writing I am 100% honest but I do try to be helpful.

It took me a while to figure this peice out. Fair enough, it may be my own stupidness but I feel that you could have described the situation better. You need to hit home what actually happened to the boy early on, in the first or second sentence if you can, something such as 'He was gone.'. Personally I find this peice rather confusing and it's not the best thing I've read. I think you need to improve the way the story impacts on the reader. 'Don't cry Mom' isn't really enough sadness to ptroperly hit the reader.

Now in all seriousness, this has potential, you just need to refine it a little. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>